Depression

Disclaimer: I do not claim to know all the ins and outs of depression, this is merely my personal experience of it, both based on myself and some of my friends. There is plenty I haven't mentioned and I could quite easily go on for longer, but my mind is so addled that this is all that I can presently manage. There are also far more educated detailings on experiences with depression, but I felt it necessary to describe my experiences, if simply as an outlet for what I feel I can't vocalise.

Depression is...

Depression is...

Depression is...

.....

That's the problem, even trying to explain what it is is a task, because everyone experiences it differently, everyone has a different impetus, everyone has different manifestations of it and everyone has different ways of managing to live with it.

That's the key thing: LIVING WITH IT. It is not something that is simply gotten over. Even for those without clinical depression it can take months or even years before they can attempt to classify themselves as "not depressed". Depression is not simply a disease, it is a state of existence. Something which makes every day a struggle. Simply getting out of bed can be one of the most difficult tasks laid ahead of you, and it is your every right to feel a sense of achievement that you actually managed to do so, because you're making progress towards living with it.

So many people don't fully grasp the concept of depression. Some are under the impression that it is something that can be gotten over. They might think that you can continue fighting against something indefinitely, but eventually your last ounce of willpower will shrivel up and die. This is not your fault. It is never your fault. You've tried your damndest to survive and battle onwards, but there's only so much you can do when there is this all-consuming darkness running rampant throughout your mind.

One of the key things that depression does to you is make you feel completely powerless. As I said before, fighting against anything eventually breaks your will and you succumb, but even worse than that is the fact that it requires effort to convince yourself you can even attempt to fight against anything. So many times there will come a moment in which you think "Yes, I'm going to finally stand up for myself and say this!" but then you gradually begin to backpeddle, saying to yourself "Why should I bother? What would be the point in me saying anything? It won't get listened to, and even if it does, it'll be made to sound like my fault". You feel like any efforts made towards improving your life will just be met with derision and subjugation.

In conjunction with a feeling of powerlessness is a reduction in pleasure. The most simple things; your favourite music, your favourite food, everything like that, loses a spark that it once had. Interactions with friends become difficult simply by virtue of wanting to contribute more than you can. Sometimes you'll find yourself switching between the deadest of silences and the most verbose of ramblings because you are so terrified that you'll be caught out that you'll say just about anything. Eventually everything that makes you you becomes a suffocating smog that makes you want to completely reject it all. You'll find yourself saddened simply by the connections you can make between particular songs or meals. You could have loved something from the moment you experienced it, but because of the connections it has, even the mere mention of it makes you feel like you're about to drown.

Sleep can become either unnaturally easy or painfully difficult; you will either be so lacklustre that all you desire is complete oblivion and the easiest, least painful for anyone way of managing that is to not wake up, at least not until most of the day has vanished and so you only have to exist for a brief time. Alternatively your mind is swamped with every thought and reason that you are depressed and thus simply closing your eyes requires the greatest of efforts. You go on walks that are so long you hope you can exhaust yourself, but instead it simply gives you more energy to over-think things and you end up hating yourself even more.

Emotions become a chaotic mess that can not be predicted. In some cases depression governs you completely and the only respite is the occassional good humour to come from a close friend. Alternatively you could be switching between a sea of negative emotions, each set off by the tiniest of things. All it takes is for someone to say something at the wrong time and you end up breaking half your bed room.

And this makes you feel more worthless. You start thinking over things, wondering whether you're truly worth anyone's time if you are so prone to these horrible states. For those who it is brought on by a bad break-up, you don't simply wonder if you're worth another person's time romantically, you wonder if you're worth anyone's time at all. Moments when friends do voice concern and care become so invaluable to you that you become desperate to find a way to properly thank them. Nothing is sufficient for you because to you they have effectively saved your life, even if just for an extra day.

But even for those who it isn't brought on by a break-up, even those who it is chemically caused for, you still feel like you're a waste of everyone's time. Even being in the same room you feel like you're a nuisance and should just flee from everyone's sight. People will try to convince you that you don't need to do this, but it feels more like they do this out of obligation as opposed to genuine opinion or belief. And it doesn't matter how much someone argues the case, it won't change your opinion that you're a worthless waste of space.

The absolute worst thing though, is the boredom that comes with being depressed. You get so painfully sick of constantly feeling depressed that you try to convince yourself that you're okay, that everything's fine and you can manage it. But you can't. You try but it's impossible. You just feel worse because of lying not simply to other people, but most of all to yourself. You start hating yourself for your lack of honesty, which just layers on further depressed feelings, ultimately driving you to a completely unwinnable situation. You get to a stage where in the words of the director Lars Von Trier, "you fall down and you're like a bird with a cat and you say 'Eat me for Christ's Sake'" just wanting it all to be over and done with, but not by your own hand, but by the decision of the universe at large. You're desperate for a release, but for so many it's terrifying the prospect of ending it all. It's why so many with depression come to actually admire those with the will to take it into their own hands and just end it all there and then. We don't see cowardice there, we see a bravery that we wish we could have. As warped as an ideology as that might be, it's the coldest, most clear-cut truth for so many with depression.

For those who wish to see an excellent collection of comics depicting a great many of the effects of depression, here it is: http://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/comics-that-capture-the-frustrations-of-depression

An important thing to note: NEVER comment on how depressed someone has been or is. All this will do is to propogate the ideas of worthlessness in the person's mind and make them believe that they deserve to be depressed. My ex used to say this all the time when I would have dark moments and all that did was make me feel worse.

Never look for the specific reason why someone is depressed, just understand that they are and be there for them, because ultimately that is what they desperately need, despite anything they might say. They need a connection with someone they can trust, with someone that they know cares about them and loves them. Whether the love is voiced or simply understood, it is important for them to be aware that there are people around who do.

In closing, depression is all of what I've detailed and far more besides. It is a static existence that anyone with it has to find the will to fight against every day. But for all those who do, I salute you, for you give me the strength to carry on as well.

I truly wish there was more I could say, but there is so much to detail that I couldn't hope to do the subject matter justice.